Dear First Mama,

I just finished reading a very difficult book entitled Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother by Xinran.

This is a book about you, precious First Mama.

It is a book about your love for your daughter.

It is a book about the heart wrenching decision you were confronted with that no mother should ever have to face.

It is a book about the hole that will remain in your heart for the rest of your days on this earth.

 My focus through out this entire adoption experience has been where it should be; on the well being of our daughter, yours and mine.

Our little one has suffered great loss.

She has experienced the unfathomable experience of abandonment.

There is a hole in her heart; pieces missing that she will question and try to make peace with.

 I want you to know that after reading this book, I have a much greater appreciation for you.

I have always prayed for you, always.

When I rock our daughter to sleep at night, I think of you.

I think of you and the last time you were able to hold this little girl in your arms, stroking her soft cheeks and rubbing her little head; knowing what path you were about to walk down.

I ache for you.

 I am angry that we live in such a fallen world that a mother and father are forced to leave their child, abandoned and alone, on the front steps of a Social Welfare Institute, because they had no other choice.

I will never know all the details that led you to make this painful decision, but I know that you were backed into a corner.  I know there was no other viable option.

Our daughter was so very ill.

Your selfless act of courage 

Saved. Her. Life.

Do you know that First Mama?

Your selfless act of courage

Saved. Her. Life.

 Our daughter, yours and mine,

is alive today because you were able to let go.

I want you to know that I do not overlook the enormity of the sacrifice you made on behalf of our daughter whom you carried for 9 months and cared for for the first year of her life. 

You will ALWAYS hold a very special and honored position in our family, 

for we see you and are with you every day.

 Our daughter is amazing!

I often wonder if you were this beautiful when you were four years old!

I know you are so smart!

I see it in every puzzle she completes, in every letter she writes, in every story we read.

I know you are kind.

I see it in the way her eyes grow pensive and concerned when she hears another cry; in the way she knows just the right time to tell me she loves me and gives me a sweet hug and kiss.

I know you are funny!!!

Oh my, is she funny!  She brings a joy to our home that is immeasurable!

I know you have a VERY. Strong. Will.

You are a survivor.

Our daughter is a fighter and a survivor too.

 I want you to know that our daughter knows she has three mamas:

First Mama,

China Mama who took care of her in the orphanage 

and 

Me, Forever Mama.

 When she is old enough, when she starts asking "Why",

I know without a doubt that I will be able to tell her that you love her with all your heart.

I will be able to tell her that you loved her so much that you chose life for her, not once, but twice.

 Know, that we are praying for you.

We pray that some how, some way, you learn about Jesus Christ and just how much He loves you and gave everything up for YOU.

He knows your heartache very well, First Mama, very well.

Oh we pray you know Him.

We pray that He binds up the gaping hole that was ripped into your heart the day you said good bye to our little girl.

Oh China Mama, He can and He will.

He is in the business of restoring what the locusts have eaten.

He will heal your broken heart,

and one day...

One day, we will hug your neck in heaven.

I pray this over you every day.

You are precious and you are so very loved.

Know we love your treasured gift more than life itself.

Until we meet someday,

Kelly

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